How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Randomize
