Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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