What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize