did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize