I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
