You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
