I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize