the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
