i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
