I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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