They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
he fucked my hip out of place.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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