I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Randomize