My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
porn star boner night. come get it.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
