anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
