Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
