I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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