I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
