I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
