closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
