what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
