My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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