Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
