When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
