I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
