Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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