He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
