I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
COCAINE IS GR8
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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