i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
