I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
