Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
