I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
