i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
