1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
