there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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