Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
