just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize