On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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