Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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