YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
