I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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