I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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