My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
