dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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