Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
