Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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