I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
