its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
