My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You were trust falling into bushes
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
