He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
