i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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