You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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