Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
