He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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