she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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