Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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